


One is what one is

by mgjoy



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Kylo Ren Backstory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-05-26 07:46:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6229735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mgjoy/pseuds/mgjoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren is recovering from his injuries, builds a new kind of mask, attends a meeting, kills a man, and promises he won’t do it again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The essential doesn't change.

The world is so comfortable around him. He can’t remember when he felt so comfortable last time, his chambers being too cold, his time being too short, and his life full of unpleasant responsibilities.

Machines are beeping, and he wants to crush those, wants to silence them, but his hands do not move, the Force had left him behind.

I’m getting sedatives, he thinks, and he loses his consciousness again.

 

He wakes up a few hours later, remembering everything. How his blood colored the snow, dark, luscious red under him, hot blood melting the snow away. Two troopers carried him, bring the saber too, he cried, as the planet screamed and crashed under her own weight. He felt it in the Force too. He fainted under the pain of the death agony of the planet – or was it his own?

He touches his side, an IV sticking out of his hand, and he only feels thick bandage. He is laying in a medical room, sparely lit room, it is night time, his senses telling it to him.

It is night time, and he is alone and alive. He was not executed, he is taken care.

He wants to tear away the IV, wants to tear away his insides to subdue the pain, but then remembers his training – and he remains calm and motionless.

Things will get better in the morning.

 

His face is going to be scarred, deep and shiny burn scar, he can’t wait, because now, while it is healing every movement tortures him. Humans have the most muscles on their head, forty-two. Nineteen muscles are needed to smile, twenty-six to frown, but he is not doing either of these anymore: this pain is the best teacher he ever had. It forces him to be emotionally still, something he was not able to reach not with even the Supreme Leader’s training.  
He cannot live without emotions, he should just use them, then put them aside, study them from safe distance. If he forgets, the pain is sudden, and even showing that pain out causes more pain, so he steels his face, he chains his emotions.

He listens inside, and that’s wise, because he is changing.

A part of him permanently and fully died, at the minute when Han Solo died, he knows it, he felt it. He felt the Force quaking under the weight of his act, he felt it behind his own shock. He nearly let THAT sentiment win him over, but he beat it down with his own will, his determination, his wish to correct that momentary lurch which changed the Galaxy’s fate to the worse.

It was the hardest thing he ever did, and ever will do, and he knows he will never be able to wash away the blood of his father from his hands, he has to carry this crux forever. But he had the strength to do it, so he must find the strength to live with it.

He is strong, he has always been, and he grew even stronger. Or was he always like this, did he have this kind of power, was he just too blinded by the light to see it?

He just killed an old man who has forsaken him ages ago. That man’s spirit was already dead.

Do patricide change the core of a man? He do not feel like a different person. Some things felt different, but he remained the same.

He was the same, but the Force was not.

It darkened around him. Darkness everywhere, it embraces him, it gives him power he longed for, it supports him - and he has never been more grateful. This is the only thing he has now, so he will not going to let it go anymore.  
He feels like the power of the darkness evaporated all barriers that were ingrained into him, every bit of his conscience, all his doubts vanished. Suddenly nothing seems impossible: the Force freed him.

And he had have tattooed it onto his body, it fits nicely between two scars: an old one, he acquired it so long ago it feels like it happened in a different life, and a new, the traitor left it on his body. He had put it onto the inner side of his upper arm, where the skin is so sensitive, where the muscles work the most intensively when he fights.

It hurt like hell too.

 

He hardly lives through the first High Command meeting he attends. His face still too heavily bandaged to wear his mask, so he caresses the lines longingly before walking – limping – to the main conference room.

Many of them had never seen his face before. He is the youngest among them, even Hux is a few years older than him. As the painkillers start to wear off, and his injuries start to burn. He has to wait for hours, before he can get the next shot. He feels as Snoke’s power is filling the room, cold spreading from his direction, and Ren wishes he could bury himself in that coldness to ease the burning sensation. He can’t remember when was the last time he had to rely on his master’s support as much as now. He is not going to survive this on his own.

“Somebody betrayed us” One of the Generals says, who usually stays in the Unknown Regions, on the board of the star destroyer called Visitor, close to the important facilities that provide the Order with the necessary goods. This man is self-assured; easy for him, he has nothing to do with the Starkiller failure. Now it is General Hux and Kylo Ren whose blood they are thirsty for.

“That Stormtrooper” Hux started but he is cut off instantly.

“I meant much higher, General Hux, somebody from the high ranking officers, who had access to the planetary shields. And it is also known the oscillator suffered a medium sized detonation from inside. Somebody was willing to shut the shields down for the resistance fleet and place detonators into the oscillator while the weapon was charging. We have to find that somebody. That shall be our main goal now.”

“We weren’t able to recover whose code disabled the shield, and with the collapse of the planet all logs are lost. We have no means…”

“How many people could access the planetary shield controller, who was on surface that time, General? Five? Ten? How many of them survived? It is a considerably small number, and we have to interrogate them one by one!”

They agree. Supreme Leader sits like a stone statue. On the other side of the table a tall, and broad, muscular, humanoid alien is sitting, his face is inexpressive, but still radiates anger. Danger, the Force rustles into Ren’s ear, and he turns his face to look into the eyes of the other Force sensitive. That man is not Snoke’s apprentice, but they are close. That warrior is not tied so directly under the Leader as Kylo Ren is. That man has already finished his training (and proved his value) a long time ago in the hands of a dark figure Kylo would die to meet, but he is never going to have the chance.

“Maybe we shall start the interrogation with Ren, if he is already here” says the man.

They look at each other. The Supreme Leader watches them like a cat watches the prey.

 

“Did you have authority to disable the shields?” asks the other Force sensitive in the sudden silence.

“You know perfectly well I had” Ren answers and his voice barely human.

“Did you have authority to enter to the oscillator?”

“I have authority to enter anywhere I wish“ he uses present tense on purpose.

“We heard rumors Ren, rumors stating you were there, inside the oscillator when detonations happened.”

Every eye is fixed on Ren now, who turns his head, and looks at the Supreme Leader, looking for affirmation.

“Tell them everything” the alien says without moving, without mercy. “Everything that happened to you.”

So he starts. His humiliation was the start of his punishment. Strong start.

When he finishes the warrior stares at him. The Generals are speechless.

The old warrior looks at Snoke, into those blue, unreadable eyes, complete dread spreading over him. Forget the loss of the Starkiller Base. They had gone too far, they had made some horrible mistake, and the Force turned against them.

It is starting again. And maybe Kylo Ren has no idea, but he himself is sure Snoke knows as well as he does, that there is no chance for any of them to survive.  
They are already sitting in their graves waiting to be buried. If they are lucky the Force will strangle them first.

 

He does not remember accurately to the first years of his training in the Dark Side, he has some memories, but he is struggling to put them into the right order. Maybe he will ask the Supreme Leader how it happened. He is annoyed that he cannot remember.  
So much happened.

Supreme Leader used to say the Siths brought their own end onto themselves, they used the Force without respect, had manipulated it against its nature, so it fought back. Was Anakin Skywalker really the child of the pure Force? Ren believed so. He, the only grandchild is still extraordinary strong in the Force, stronger than any average being in a millennia.

They are clearly not Sith, but then who they are? Supreme Leader said it is needless to worry about it, time will give the answers. Ren wanted to get exact definitions for what they are, it feels crucial to him.

He was born into the focal point of the force, into the absolute center, when gravitating towards one side the other one started to pull him back. He could not belong completely to anywhere. Always on the edge, without being able to grab the whole thing. When he lived in the light side, he always felt the squeeze of the darkness, he was too angry, too self-centered, too mad, when he is on the dark side he is not enough angry, not enough cruel, not enough selfish, time up to time he feels the weakening of remorse and regret for the ones he must hurt.

He could not belong anywhere. At least not until now.

 

Didn’t take long for him to ask Snoke what happened to the Leader’s face, why is he looking like that? He was a foolish, bold teenager, he did not know anything about not to question what is not his business – that changed by now.  
However Snoke didn’t grow angry. His mouth twisted into something that could equally be a grotesque smile or a snarl.

“Just the dark side. If you live long enough, if you become strong enough, it must happen to you too. Don’t be afraid of it, the dark side of the Force marks everyone in some way. You cannot touch it and in the same time remain untouched.”

 

He needs to work out. His side is weak, the muscles had burnt away, his liver was injured, so his skin turned yellowish. Even sitting up hurts, standing is a torture, but he heals faster than any average human. As his injury heals the scar pulls one side of his face to a constant ferocious grim, he can do nothing to prevent it. Medical droids talk about plastic surgery, but he turns his back on them.

He is able to stand for hours when he is told that the traitor survived, he have not even managed to kill him. He would like to smash his own head into the wall, but he rather grabs the officer, grabs him with the Force, and smashes him into the wall, he hears that unnatural and unmistakable crack, and the man moves no more. Satisfactory feeling, the darkness cheers around him. Finally somebody else’s blood stains the floor, not his own.

“You won’t kill any of our man in the future” says the Supreme Leader.

Ren does not answer, he is surprised that Leader Snoke cares, surprised that those worms dared to go behind his back, and report him to the only one he answers.

“You won’t harm them anymore” Snoke presses.

“Why it is so important? They do not matter. They are weightless, replaceable – bugs under our feet.”

Then the Supreme Leader looks at him, looks into him. Ren freezes, expects a rebuke for talking back, but realizes it does not matters to him anymore. The Force talks to him, whispers secrets about his mentor into his ears. Long forgotten and heavy secrets, they become weapons in his hands.

He plans to use them, but not now. He has to lay low now before he can bite into that hand.  
The Supreme Leaders voice is soft, he can almost hear some affection out of it. Almost – but this does not fool him anymore.

“You have finally found your hatred, but do not let it rule you. Earlier you let your compassion blind you, now you let your hatred make you deaf. The results are going to be the same. And I have already told you I won’t let you fail twice.”

Short silence follows the threat.

“I won’t harm them anymore” he echoes, and that’s all that needs to be said. His face is now his mask.

 


	2. Do better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren knows he is the corrected edition of is notorious grandfather. He knows he is destined to end the Skywalkers. Or he hopes so.

**VLADIMIR:** Question of temperament.

**ESTRAGON:** Of character.

**VLADIMIR:** Nothing you can do about it.

**ESTRAGON:** No use struggling.

**VLADIMIR:** One is what one is.

**ESTRAGON:** No use wriggling.

**VLADIMIR:** The essential doesn't change.

**ESTRAGON:** Nothing to be done.

 

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

 

He was an only child. Now, at the door of thirty he thinks that his parents’ wisest and most responsible decision was that they did not take more kids.

His mother is a Princess, with all the selfish manners it comes with, his father was a smuggler, having reckless, passive aggressive attitude, and they were so young when he was born, too young to be good parents. He knows he wasn’t a planned child, he arrived too early, exactly nine months after their honeymoon, born into the middle of the political battles that accompanied the mortal agony of the Galactic Empire.

He knows his father did not want him, he knows he is only existing because his mother was not willing to kill him as a fetus.

Probably she regretted that by now.

They named him Ben, after Obi van “Ben” Kenobi. What a ridiculously average name to an extraordinary man like him.

They named him after the man who maimed his grandfather, his mother’s father. How in the hell could they do that? The man who achieved so much, the man, who saved the life of his foolish son by destroying everything that ever mattered to him?

Why didn’t they just let the dead to be forgotten?

 

They loved him, he knows this, but still, they still loved themselves much more. They could not change their essentials, so they fought with each other. They battled during dinners, went to each other’s throat after he was sent to sleep.

And later, when he started using is powers they fought because of him.

A Princess and a smuggler. Were they fools, or how in the hell could they think it could work?

A princess and a conman. And he was stuck in the middle of them.

 

After a while he started to see wariness in their eyes when they looked at him which slowly developed into fear.

So they were afraid of their son, their only child. They wanted to hold him back, to subdue him, meanwhile he only wanted to learn everything possible about the Force, so magnificent, so shiny, so dark, and unbelievably complex. He wanted to bath in it, ha wanted to use it, and mold it to his needs.

He wanted to rule it.

And the parents, especially Han wanted to stop that. That was the point where Kylo Ren started to grow angry. So angry.

He can remember the moment when he realized that his father was a killer. His father killed men, his mother killed men, his uncle killed, his mother’s parents killed, well his grandfather, he excelled in killing.

How the fuck could they hope he will grow up to be something different with this inheritance? He was successor of murderers, nothing else.

He had seen holos of Padme Amidala, the woman whose existence changed the fate of his grandfather. She was so beautiful, Ren wished he had resembled to her more, but no, they were like they did not have the same blood running in their veins. He listened some of her speech she held in the old Senate, and he felt deep sorrow for her. She was blinded by ghosts, chasing a long gone echo.

 

He only could learn in the hardest way, this was something his parents, Luke Skywalker and the Supreme Leader would have agreed on, at least for a while, since learning in the hard way simply did not worth with Supreme Leader methods, so he quickly changed his attitude.

Supreme Leader, he did not pull him back like Luke did, he pushed him forward, wiped out every bit of mistake of him, punished his lankiness. There were no way to skip meditations anymore, he had to do them harder than the physical workouts.

He was given a new name, first, his old personality buried alive, then when he became enough stable, he killed it eagerly, broke into pieces, and a new man came to life. Sometimes he really felt he was severed  into two, good and bad sharing his body, which is scary, but this was what had to be done, this was the sacrifice the dark side wished for, and who could do it better than himself?

 

"They call me Jedi killer behind my back." He tells Snoke. "The massacre has been years ago and they still call me that."  
  
"I don’t see why it bothers you. Aren’t you the one, who killed the most Jedi among the livings in the Galaxy?" He answers, but his thoughts are on the upcoming events."  
  
"Even the troopers call me that. How in the hell do they know about it?"  
  


Snoke looks at him, calculating. He was not really listening, but now he realizes this is leading to something important, that Ren is actually dying to discuss, that he cannot really make up yet. He knows what it is, he has been expecting this conversation for years. He knows Kylo Ren will not give him peace until he gets what he desires. Self-centered and violent – just as he needs to be. He forces away his anger, he wanted to finish quickly, but he remains visibly calm as he taught to this man. Or tried to, to be exact.

"Do you really wish to discuss Stormtrooper training materials with me?" He asks, letting his tone showing some of his disdain."  
  
"No! Not at all" Ren lowers his voice, suddenly unsure. His visage makes an oddly surrealistic impression, with the scarred side of his face disfigured and frozen forever into evil grim, his intact side carefully expressionless. His uncertainty wakes the sleeping evil in Snoke, suddenly eager to force out the man's secrets."  
  
"What do you want then?"  
  
"I am going to finish my training soon. I can feel it. I am united with the Dark Side, I know everything that can be taught, now, I have to sharpen my skills on my own."  
  
"You still have one lesson to learn, one more thing before I can let you to be on your own."  
  


Ren fears that lesson, it will hurt him so much. It will change him so much. He wants it to happen, but he also dreads it. Self-preservations instincts, but he has to do what has to be done, and seriously, who the fuck cares anymore?  He has already stepped over every boundaries.

But still.

He is not sure how to answer.

"We are not Sith" Ren states finally.

"We are not." Supreme Leader echoes, and they both feel the promises behind it. There shall be no assassination attempt among them.  
"Will you let somebody to take my place?"

They are studying each other, and Ren forces away his suspicion that they both want that same woman. He cannot let that happen. Self-preservation again.

"You want THAT girl" he continues, his voice is flat, and Kylo stares into the wrinkled, twisted face without fear. He won’t let this monster have the girl, he will kill her first. This two together could turn him down anytime. He can’t let that happen.

No. He will kill the girl before Supreme Leader could try his own chance to turn her. And if he will not succeed, then Supreme Leader Snoke might be wise, but no one can live forever.  And Kylo Ren is willing to try his chances.

"Together, we can turn her. She is like you, so much light and so much darkness. We can make her our weapon to wipe out our enemies. She is your reflection in the light, born to balance your darkness. But we can turn her. And if we do, the Force will go dark. Isn’t it what you desires?"

They pause. Supreme Leader is staring at him and suddenly Kylo is not sure anymore if he is lying or not. The Force gives him no guidance. He is alone, so alone. Everything is silent.

"I have seen it happening" Snoke continues. "Our chances are as good as they can."

Good chances. And wouldn’t it be good, to have somebody to share the silence?

His reflection in the light. Kylo nearly pities her. Nearly.

And he stops. Supreme Leader is right. And anyway, even he is disgusted from his own excuses.

They are going to turn her. And then, she, and he himself, Kylo Ren will turn on the Supreme Leader. He will pay for everything – every cruel lesson he had put Kylo Ren through.

 

Snoke waits as the young man thinks over his promises. He fells the change in Kylo Ren’s motives. From now on he always has to watch his back.

Jedi Killer. He has to laugh.

 

Ren was around twelve, or ten or so when he started using the light drugs. He was so fed up with his life, he just wanted to get away for a while. He traded them for engineering work, mending droids and planting system door locks, hell there was time, when he spared his concentration on door locks.

He was so fuckin’ good in it.

So he traded with the smugglers, who visited Tattooin for some easy business with the Hutts, or wanted to hide for a while. They all knew he was the ‘little Solo kid’, and he had some awful chat starting with, ‘how is your father?’, so they were kind and jovial to him was not difficult to get some light stuff from them.

After a time it changed to ‘How is your father? And your mother? We’ve heard rumors about your father, kid is that true?’

Well he had heard rumors too, gave him a few really bad moments which no one could help, not even the late visit from their parents, swiftly informing him about their divorce. Unnecessary, the press was full of it anyway.

So he started with the light drugs, which made the daily meditation sessions more fun, and he opened his mind, and could see the music, and hear the sunshine as it broke into million pieces through the colored glass windows.

It was so addictive he was bound to be caught. Sooner or later all fun has to be taken away from him. His little relief earned him thirty minutes of shouting from his raging parents. There was a point where he believed his father was going to hit him. And he hoped he will, because then he could hit back. He wanted to hit back hard. To hit back so hard that would kill him. He was able to do that. They knew nothing about him, and they still came there to condemn him.

He was able to kill him anyway.

They know nothing about him. They fucked up his life so many ways he could not even count it anymore. He wished they never existed.

They left soon after their argument. He did not hear a word from them for weeks while he struggled with the pain of withdrawal symptoms.

And he could only thank it to himself, Luke said.

 

 

Snoke was always there. Now, he thinks there were periods of time when he had more contact to Snoke than to his parents. He trusted him for a moment, and that was enough for him to sell his soul to the dark side before even he realized.

 

Go, Snoke said, his face hardly visible under the hood. His holo was tinted with blue. Don’t be afraid. Go, set your anger free.

As Snoke looked down at the newborn Kylo Ren his eyes were shining with life. It was even scarier than the dullness that was his trademark. But Ren did not notice. He did not notice until it was too late.

He prepared for the massacre. He knew Vader did it too, he showed it to him. He showed the whole thing to him because he wished his grandchild to do the same, to follow his path. At least he believes in it. If he misunderstood, then he made a horrible mistake.

So he hopes he got it right.

It is too late now to turn back. Too late to listen to any counter-arguments. He has to play until the end.

 

In his younger years he was not interested in his special abilities. They were strange, and unexplainable, he feared them, his parents feared him, even Luke frowned upon them. He hid them all. To tell the truth he never wanted to live in the Jedi Temple, the disturbingly simple and strict, religious life stood far from him. He wanted to have a profane life, being a racing pilot, shining in glory, living the hedonistic lifestyle that fitted his powerful social circle. He only wanted to show of the Jedi Temple from distance to girls he wanted to impress: Look, that’s where my Uncle lives, the only Jedi Master in the Galaxy. One day I’ll give you a tour, I promise!

But he never wanted to be the part of it.

He rebelled against his parents’ decision to send him there, but at last his parents found a topic they agreed on. He hated it. Luke greedily agreed on to have the family’s other prodigy in his hands.

By now probably he regrets it. He hopes Luke’s golden soul is tainted with the same anger and hatred he and his twin built in Kylo Ren’s soul. That’s the least he deserves.

Ren hopes Luke suffers through every day as he himself does. At least.

 

 

So he was moved to Tatooine, to the distant Temple where the younglings grew, under the claws of the two evil twin Sun, his skin burned several times in the first weeks, his hair was cut, his clothes changed to the unstylish robes of the apprentices. His parents gone, finally free to live the life without the burden of their son, and Luke being close and friendly with him, which made the others distant and cold.

How he hated the heat. When the Starkiller Base was finally done he instantly proposed to test it on the suns of Tatooine.

But he did not hate the climate nearly as much as he despised Luke’s lessons, the meditations, how to get closer to the Force, he skipped them every single time he could.

He wanted to command the Force, not uniting with IT.

After that Luke was not friendly and jovial anymore. But that did not make the other kids warmer at all.

And Ren saw no emergency exit. So he prepared for the massacre.

 

And now he is here, from head to toe in the darkest black, leader of an even stricter religious organization, living in forever heat, no night gives him relief, his hatred being so hot, red hot, it burns his soul, and his father’s blood dripping from his sword, and he haven’t piloted a ship in years. His new social standing does not make it acceptable.

Somehow it is always him who suffers in the end.

And this all because of Luke Skywalker and his teachings.

One day he is going to cut that man in two. Beautiful, great day, it can come soon enough.

 

He doesn’t feel guilt, he is not even sure if he is able to feel it anymore. He can imagine this ability as some tiny smashed debris, starveling pigeon with broken wings, deeply buried in him, so deeply and it is so tiny it does not worth looking for anymore.

He had made up his mind.

Some time ago he thought a lot about Vader, the Fallen Sith Lord, how he broke down, fallen from the narrow plank that leads to the dark side of the Force, that holds the way to its unnatural, maddening, heady power. Vader throw everything to save his son. He just can’t get his mind around it.

 

He must do better.

He is Vader in a better edition.

He must do better, he shall do better, so he killed the padawans, he killed them all, and burned the Temple. It burned beautifully in the hot night. Later, it started raining. The first rainy night in centuries.

And he did it.

 Both.

And Luke could only thank it to himself.

 

Snoke was proud of him, hide him well until he calmed down, until he started building his new personality. Snoke introduced him to people who were building the First Order behind the curtains. They started it even before his birth, and now he was a part of it. He was so proud.

He trusted Snoke just for a moment, and that was too much. He will never make that mistake again. One day he is going to kill the Supreme Leader. Ren is going to bath in that thousand years old blood.

 

Always the starting was the harder and later it become easier. Always a little easier.

For a while he believed he had gone mad. But now that he thinks about it, after all that happened to him the strange thing would be if he still was sane.

So hopefully he had already gone mad.

 

"Nobody survived. They are devastated" a man, member of the Senate, their spy says, voice cracking under the heavy coding of the holo. "and nobody knows where the Solo kid is. Han Solo was seen with the Wookie heading to the Outer Rim, rumored he is looking after his son. Leia Organa-Solo stepped back from the elections. Luke Skywalker vanished. The Skywalkers are over. The so-called Jedi are over. They are finished."  
  
"Exactly as I foreseen – Snoke murmurs delighted."

Kylo Ren stands a few steps behind his new mentor, the protector of his life, in his shades, the cowl hiding his face, so the speaker cannot recognize him. His chest feels two size smaller than usually. He did this. He was the one, who wiped the rising sun from the horizon.

 

He had done it.

But it have been foreseen, this was what must to be happen. What else could he have been done? No one can act against his fate.

And anyway, it was just the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "They fuck you up, your mum and dad." is the first line of the brilliant Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse.

**Author's Note:**

> The chapter and the work title are lines from the drama Waiting from Godot.


End file.
